Rantings and ideas that I put down on paper on the go.
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I consider myself to be a decently artistic human. I love music, art, poetry, painting, dancing, and singing. However, my art has a certain... sadness... to it. And I have been called out on it on multiple occasions.
It really struck me in college, when I first began choreographing dance pieces for different showcases and concerts. All of my pieces were dark and emotional. I chose songs that made my heart churn, and choreographed movements that matched. Senior year my best friend asked me "Why are your dances always so emo?" and I was completely taken aback. It wasn't intentional in any way -- it was just... what called to me.
The same rings true for my poetry and my music.
At first I was insecure and concerned about what this news meant for me and the perception of me to others. But there was nothing I could do to change it. Choreography flows out from me when I hear a specific song -- and the songs are never upbeat or "happy". Poetry emerges from the darkest depths of my heart -- never in a bubbly manner. The songs I sing all release pain and heartbreak from inside me.
It took me a while to realize that this is okay.
Different people use different outlets to let out their emotions and to cope with pain. Some work out, some sleep around, some cry, some eat, and some do absolutely nothing. Me? I create.
I don't create for others, I create for myself. (In fact, if I speak candidly, I don't think I have the courage or confidence to create for others. I would never feel my work is good enough.) My dance pieces were a way to let out something from inside and put it onto a stage. I sing to unleash the rawest energy inside my gut. I write to release my emotions onto a surface, and create then memories from them.
This website is completely private, and even my closest friends don't know it exists. I created it for two reasons. 1) to have a space to create, write, and save my inner most thoughts and 2) with the thought that a stranger out there might one day come across it, and feel less lonely.
I'm not sorry for using art as an escape or means to deal with my adverse realities.
Why not make wonderment out of woe?
Why not make beauty out of bitterness?
cheers to finding your own way, and not succumbing to what others need or want from you
ps If you read through all my work on this site you will see some positive memories. I actively force myself to log on and cite these so I can remember and enjoy them in the future. Ironically, I live a quite happy life and most people will consider me an optimist with a bubbly personality. I just have a lot of feelings... and this is my medicine.